All The Best, Jess

I have always been a person who sought faith. I've been an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints since I was baptized when I was eight years old, and in many ways my faith has shaped who I am and is the reason I am who I am today. I cannot imagine where I would be without it, because I have never lived without it. However, faith, the actual principle in believing in something I cannot see, is not an easy concept to grasp or practice. Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that I thrive off of connection. What brings me the most joy in life are the relationships I form with other people--I strive to make deep or at least personal connections with as many people as possible, because I truly believe that is something we are starved of in this day and age, especially in Western culture. Because of this, I have spent the last six months realizing and working on a personal and true connection with my Savior Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Parents...

Today I was scrolling through Pinterest, as one does when they are twenty and it's a Friday night and they have nowhere in particular to be yet still want to procrastinate starting homework and being responsible. I spend a lot of time reading poetry and other pretty words, so my feed is pretty full of those types of posts, which makes me very happy. Then I ran across this quote: "you thought that being young would be many things. skipping school and running through fields, sitting in the sun with friends. going to parties, coming home late and not remembering it the next day. taking buses and trains, not caring where they went so long as you were with those few people. kissing cute boys, an dressing up to go on first dates. sitting in coffee shops, talking about everything and nothing. you expected adventures, stories that you could tell your grandkids one day. "you didn't expect to be stuck in the same monotonous routine. going to school, having to face people yo...

I don't know about anyone else, but 2019 was a lot. I thought that trying to recap a decade in a blog post would be hard, but I've been sitting in front of a blank screen for weeks trying to piece through just the last three months. Then, as soon as I thought I had things figured out, something would change and throw things into chaos again. What I meant to write for Thanksgiving became a thing to write for my birthday, and then Christmas, and now it is 5:30pm on New Year's Eve, and I only have a vague idea of what to say.  A few weeks ago I was sitting in my living room--in the dark, I might add, because I had a concussion--talking to a few of my friends. One of them remarked that I had been hurt in every way possible over the past month and a half. I thought that sounded really dramatic, but honestly? I think there was a decent amount of truth in it. Things have been hard. At the beginning of this particular rough stretch, I wrote in one of my journals that this was th...

It's been a couple of months since I've written on here again. In January, I had this grand plan to write at least once a month, and I did so well with it until I got home from my first year at school. Then life happened. My summer was, in a word, nuts. I worked at a total of places of employment. I received my endowments in the Houston Temple (for friends not of my faith, this is a sacred ceremony where I make covenants or promises with God to prepare for eternity), broke up with my first boyfriend, understudied in a show for some friends, performed my first solos in almost a year outside of church, took a break from voice lessons for the first time in eight years, and tried to figure out who the heck I was and where I wanted to go. Then I went back to school. Between my first apartment, getting a calling in my ward that I do not feel at all qualified for, some unfortunate social situations, changes in family dynamics, mental health struggles for both myself and my closest fr...

There is a woman who comes to make a return at work. She tells me "I saw how sad my son was when I didn't get a science kit...I can do without these because I want to make him happy." At times, retail is not nearly as soul-crushing as anyone (myself included) makes it out to be. My brother and I are staying up way too late watching YouTube videos. It is one of the moments I do not miss being at school. This is simple, but it is better because of who I am with. We are laughing, hopefully not loud enough to wake up our parents. I am sitting alone in the art museum. Van Gogh's "Lilacs" reflects in the space behind my eyelids. My journal is open and my mind is clear. It has taken this long, but I can finally find peace in some moments of solitude. Work is rough at times, and one night I can't bear to sit still. My oldest friend picks me up and we drive downtown, looking at the lights and talking about anything. I often joke that my life is overly drama...

This is to everyone, but this is most especially to my friends on the edge, looking out over nothing and wondering if that would be easier, if that would be kinder, if that would be better. I do not pretend to know your pain and experiences, for those are yours and no one else can truly comprehend them, but I know what my pain feels like, and I know where I've been and what I've survived, and I have a few things to say. The world is dark. Things are not easy. It is hard to look at the hate that is everywhere, the wars that are being waged, and all that we are losing or have lost and see anything that can make continuing worth it. There are things you are going through, or have gone through, that you have done nothing to deserve. There are people who hurt that leave you with echoes in your mind and scars on your heart and I am so sorry, but I cannot take them away. I cannot erase the things that are wrong, and I cannot pretend that it goes away easily. People like to sa...

I have always struggled with being blunt. I think it's part of the nature of artists, or perhaps just the nature of being human, but I want to make things sound prettier than they look, softer than they feel, gentler than they sound, and better than they are. I will start a post about the things I struggle with, only to have to restart because I am apologizing where there is no need, romanticizing things beyond my right, or just simply being too vague and far too specific within the same paragraph. I am not a perfect person, and therefore I am far from a perfect writer. I honestly don't know exactly what I want to say right now, but I want to write. I want to be able to put some of the thoughts that have been racing inside of me out in the world because then I can really process it, put everything to rest, and start anew. Things are always changing, and if this year has taught me anything, it's that waiting will get you nowhere. Though it may be shaky, I have to keep w...