Another Moment of Relfection
I have always struggled with being blunt. I think it's part of the nature of artists, or perhaps just the nature of being human, but I want to make things sound prettier than they look, softer than they feel, gentler than they sound, and better than they are. I will start a post about the things I struggle with, only to have to restart because I am apologizing where there is no need, romanticizing things beyond my right, or just simply being too vague and far too specific within the same paragraph. I am not a perfect person, and therefore I am far from a perfect writer.
I honestly don't know exactly what I want to say right now, but I want to write. I want to be able to put some of the thoughts that have been racing inside of me out in the world because then I can really process it, put everything to rest, and start anew. Things are always changing, and if this year has taught me anything, it's that waiting will get you nowhere. Though it may be shaky, I have to keep walking forward.
There are a few trials I have encountered in my life that have left me asking, "Why did I have to go through that? What purpose does this serve? How is this something I need to grow?", none more so than the lifelong struggle I have had with my mental health. I'm sure this is a common experience within the community, but hearing my therapist tell me that I was born with the disorders I struggle with was, and remains, incredibly frustrating. In a world telling me that I can be whatever I want, and make whatever I want of my life, being told that there was nothing I could have done to avoid the pain I have felt was devastating. I remember praying that night, pleading to know why this had to be the way things were. I knew there had to be a purpose, but I couldn't see it.
If I'm being honest, in a lot of ways I still don't. Although I am much healthier than I was two years ago, there are still things I struggle with and things I will have to watch and work at for the rest of my life. As much as I believe that things happen for a reason, I do not know why everything has to happen when it does, where it does, or how it does.
However, I am getting closer to answers. In a conversation I had recently with a friend, I made the comment that I wouldn't help them destroy themselves because I didn't see someone who needed to be remade. I was in a state where I was writing a lot of things and just trying to say what I was thinking, so it wasn't until later that I really thought about that line. I meant it with everything in me, but that wasn't what made me stop. It was the fact that I was telling someone else something that I should have been telling myself for years. Of all the people I have known and who have hurt me, no one has been as cruel to me as I have been to myself.
I know there are psychological reasons for that. I understand how mental illness and trauma breeds thought processes and self-destructive tendencies, and with the help of medication and therapy, I have made some progress in getting past the damage I have done to myself. However, I had not really internalized yet why this was so necessary to do. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I didn't know why--when you see yourself as one way, it's hard to see how things can change and why you should.
I think in the back of my mind, I was still looking at healing as rebuilding from the ground up, instead of a discovery process. I was still looking at the person I thought I should be, and that was someone who wasn't actually me. I thought in order to be "better" I had to become someone new--as if even the base of who I was was wrong.
There are always going to be points in life where you find you've strayed from yourself. I would argue, though, in nearly every situation that doesn't require to blow everything to high heavens and start back at square one. I echo Anne Frank, believing that people are truly good at heart. Those who are not are the ones who choose to sacrifice the light they inherently have, so they are not the ones asking if they've lost who they are.
So, I will tell all of you as I tell myself: stop destroying yourself. In the moments where you fail, or feel you have failed, where the night seems unending and you fear it is only you blocking the light, take a breath. Do not turn your anger or your frustration upon yourself or upon others. You do not deserve the pain that you put yourself through. Things are hard, and they will continue to challenge and try you, but do not despair or think that the things that happen merit you punishing yourself. I promise that it does not. Allow yourself to heal. A step back does not mean you are starting over--it means you are giving yourself room to grow.
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