A Message From the Other Side of Hopeless
This is to everyone, but this is most especially to my friends on the edge, looking out over nothing and wondering if that would be easier, if that would be kinder, if that would be better. I do not pretend to know your pain and experiences, for those are yours and no one else can truly comprehend them, but I know what my pain feels like, and I know where I've been and what I've survived, and I have a few things to say.
The world is dark. Things are not easy. It is hard to look at the hate that is everywhere, the wars that are being waged, and all that we are losing or have lost and see anything that can make continuing worth it. There are things you are going through, or have gone through, that you have done nothing to deserve. There are people who hurt that leave you with echoes in your mind and scars on your heart and I am so sorry, but I cannot take them away. I cannot erase the things that are wrong, and I cannot pretend that it goes away easily.
People like to say that "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" as if walking is the only thing there is to do, but you and I both know that is not the case. Getting to the light, if it exists, if it can be accessible, often feels more like bouldering. There are mountains to climb that, honestly, it can be hard to see the point in climbing. You are so tired, and it seems so dark, and there are people who claim to be beside you that are so obviously drenched in that light you want to believe in, and somehow seeing that makes you feel worse.
"If they can see the light," you reason, "there must be something wrong with me, because I am searching and it's clearly not there."
But still, on you climb, arms trembling, hands slipping, feet getting caught in the crags of rock and something harder. Your back is to the emptiness, but you know it is there. It would certainly appear to be easier to just let go.
Please do not.
It feels like bouldering, like you don't have a harness to rescue you, like there are only two options and they are either let go, or climb until you fall or grow too tired to hold on, but I promise you, that is only what it feels like. What you are feeling is valid, it is painful, and it is so hard, but it is a feeling. Something can be real and wrong, and when it comes to how we see the world and our place in it, that is often true.
You are not without a harness. You are not too weak to do this. Nature is not out to get you, and there is so much that you are capable of that you have yet to discover. There are people who can help you, and they will, if you will let them.
And you have to let them. People, I have learned, cannot read minds, and as much as we should be able to recognize a person in crisis, we all carry our trauma differently. Because of that, even when someone thinks you need help, or could use support, they aren't sure if they should extend it in fear they misunderstood or are unwanted.
I know asking for help is hard. To this day, one of the hardest things for me to do is to tell someone I am not doing well, that I just need someone who will be kind and who will be hopeful, because I do not have enough in me to be that at the moment. I often still hold out longer than I should, still believing that I should be "stronger" than I am.
Here's the thing I don't necessarily realize until after the fact: I am already strong enough. And you know what? I always have been.
Yes, even when I was hanging off that cliff-like mountain, unsure if onward and upward was what I wanted. Even when I was holding for dear life onto the rocks, unable to move, crying and feeling that everything I was had broken off and fallen past me already. Even when the light I used to see glimpses of had faded or been swallowed up by the darkness that engulfed me.
I was always strong enough. And so are you, though I know you're probably tired of hearing that.
It's easy to look at someone on the other side and reason that they can't know what you're feeling, because you're right. No one knows what anyone is feeling. But even if what's rock bottom for me is not rock bottom for you, it is still rock bottom. When it comes to experiences and emotional response, equal does not have to be identical.
I have survived the worst I have ever felt, the most darkness I've ever seen, and the most pain I have ever known. And you can too. I promise. You have it in you, and I so desperately want to see you realize that.
This isn't something I expect you to see today. And once you see it, sometimes it will still slip from your view. There will always be mountains to climb, and there will always be moments where perspective is not something you are capable of seeing. I am not telling you it will ever be easy, I am telling you it will always be worth it.
Because one day, there will be a butterfly beside you. It will still be dark, and, true to its nature it may not stay for long, but you will see the butterfly. When you keep climbing, you'll find a branch to rest on for a few moments. A bird may swoop by. When you keep climbing, you'll begin to realize the black has faded to grey, and it will be beautiful. When you keep climbing and realize there are a few colors again, you will want to weep. The colors will continue returning. You may find they look a little different to you now, but they still take your breath away. As you keep climbing, you'll learn the branches that grow from the face of the mountain will appear when you want them to. You will learn to make your rest. You will keep climbing, and you will experience a thousand pains and a million loves. You will find that there was a purpose after all, though it often isn't what you'd expect. You will learn that pieces of who you were have broken off and fallen, but in their place was parts that suited you better. You will be somehow even stronger, you will weather the winds with more confidence. Do not let the things that will still manage to shake you defeat you. You have survived everything that has been thrown at you to this point, and I don't see that streak being broken.
I am not going to tell you that you cannot hurt, that you will not hurt, or even that you shouldn't hurt. You will. You will hurt more than there are words to say. I am telling you, however, that there is an equal and opposite reaction. It just isn't immediate. That factor isn't ideal, but it doesn't make the principle less true. You will be repaid for all the sorrow you experience, but it will take time.
There is so much that is beautiful out there, but none of it holds a candle to you, so please, please keep climbing.
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LINE:
1-800-273-8255
HOUSTON CRISIS LINE
832-416-1177
Teen line: 832-416-1199
THE TREVOR PROJECT (Hotline for LGBTQ+ youth)
1-866-488-7386
Originally published at allthebestjess.wixsite.com/website on June 28th, 2019
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