In Progress

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I don't know about anyone else, but 2019 was a lot. I thought that trying to recap a decade in a blog post would be hard, but I've been sitting in front of a blank screen for weeks trying to piece through just the last three months. Then, as soon as I thought I had things figured out, something would change and throw things into chaos again. What I meant to write for Thanksgiving became a thing to write for my birthday, and then Christmas, and now it is 5:30pm on New Year's Eve, and I only have a vague idea of what to say. 

A few weeks ago I was sitting in my living room--in the dark, I might add, because I had a concussion--talking to a few of my friends. One of them remarked that I had been hurt in every way possible over the past month and a half. I thought that sounded really dramatic, but honestly? I think there was a decent amount of truth in it. Things have been hard. At the beginning of this particular rough stretch, I wrote in one of my journals that this was the first time I truly felt like all I had to rely on was my faith. I am looking into a new year and a new decade with very little known, and even less certain. 

That's okay.

I have to tell myself that a lot. I am twenty years old, and I have to remind myself that while this is the oldest I have ever been, and the most experiences I have ever had, I am still super young and have a lot more time than I think to figure things out. It's okay that I don't know what exactly I'm majoring in, and if I want to go to grad school, or where I want to live. It's okay that I feel like I don't know anything when two months ago I was so sure I finally had a few things figured out.

My mental health kind of imploded again, and I started going back to therapy. It turns out there's still a lot of things I need to work through so I can live with myself and find peace with all that I have been through and feel. There are still so many things that I do not understand with how my mind works. 

That's okay.

I am here. And that, in of itself, is a miracle. I made it to twenty. I made it back to therapy. I made it to college, and I made it to the point where everything that has happened in the last three months was not enough to undo me. I made it to a point where I can be confident in the people who surround me. I made it here. I don't know where here is yet, but I am here. My hands may be shaking, and I might still be a little concussed, but I am here. 

For now, that's enough. 

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