The Little Ways We Love Each Other

 In the musical adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the finale begins with the line "The world is cruel, the world is ugly, but there are times and there are people when the world is not" and it is this line that has been bouncing around my skull for the last several weeks as life has continued to barrel on relentlessly and often at an exhausting place. Due to some events in my life and in the world, the last year and a half it has been very easy to see the cruelty and ugliness of the world around me and the ways I feel I still fall short. However, over the last several weeks, this rather bleak outlook has begun to take an ever-crushing toll on myself, and I've found enough desperate strength to begin and see my way out of it. It isn't easy. But I am lucky enough to have friends that happen to be the best people I know, and throughout our constant navigation through relationships with each other, I have found so many times when the world is not everything I fear it inevitably becomes.

I am grateful for the tiny ways we love each other.

From taking twenty minutes out of the day to help one of us move a piano from one apartment to another, to being there with food on days that eating is too hard or too much work, to being willing to simply sit with someone while they ache from trials we cannot really relate to.

I am grateful for the little ways we show we care, for the random things we remember about each other because they are important, even if in the grand scheme of things they are nonessential. I'm grateful that Gavin will always chime in with a "and psychology!" if someone ever asks if I'm a theatre major, that Courtney will always pester me to eat, that Dallin is always willing to just sit and talk or work with someone if they don't want to be alone. I'm grateful that Robyn gets excited over the littlest accomplishments or happy news someone has, that Marissa is always down to watch a Cinderella movie when days are hard, I'm grateful that Kyle is willing to pick me up from broadcasting so I don't have to drive to our figure skating class after devotionals, that Joseph will text to celebrate random holidays, and that Angela will ask about something happening while she's across the country with family. I'm grateful that Matthew and Isaac will never hesitate to tell someone when they look good, even if that means they will yell it at you from across the parking lot, that Este will always, always be happy to see you, that Hannah will always be ready to validate your emotions, even when they are irrational, that Tyler can go over a year without seeing or talking to you and act like nothing's changed. I love that I can communicate with my friends through nonsensical noises and eyebrow raises and sometimes just from what I can only describe as "distinctive energy". I am so glad I live in a world where there are so many easy ways to love someone.

Perhaps the most mind-blowing component to all of this is that I don't even know all the ways the people I love show affection, and that they likely do not know all of mine. I think there are a million small things we do throughout our days and lives that happen out of genuine affection that no one even knows or sees. I wonder how much better we could accept or recognize the love other people have for us if we knew the things they did when no one else was watching, even ourselves.

For example, I take screenshots of all the text messages I get that make me feel loved. I also screenshot people's captions on social media when I want to remember them. I have a secret playlist of songs I would never have listened to without someone else sending them to me, because I want to remember the music I would have missed without those that I love. I try and make note of everything I hear my friends saying they want to buy or do one day, so I can help them cross things off the list. Often times, I actively search for memes I can send or save for rainy days, because often times I cannot say anything to make things better, but I can at least try and make them laugh.

As hard as I try, I know I do not always love my friends as loudly as they need. However, I hope to continue noting the little things that add to the near-constant roar of affection that I am surrounded by but too often miss in the overwhelming shrieks in my mind. I hope to continue adding to my own voice so when the same misdirecting noises sound in my friends maybe there is a little more evidence they can use to fight it.

I am grateful that there are so many ways in which the world is still so far from ugly. I am grateful that so many of those ways come from those who are in my life, often despite my attempts to push them away when I become scared.

It is still so wonderful to me.