Here's Why I Sing

I am six months old and my parents realize I am content with the TV muted and the stereo on

I am two and spinning around the room to Toy Story songs

I am three and I am learning the words to Primary songs

I am three and I learn that sometimes songs are sad, and I love them anyway

I am four and singing nonsense words to a made up melody

I am five love my music class

I am six and nearly crippled with stage fright

I am seven and there's a note after the Primary Program to "the little girl in the red dress"

I am nine and writing lyrics in my free time and at recess

I am ten and told no one likes my voice and everyone is only pretending

I am ten and singing at my family reunion to Taylor Swift's "Love Story," shaking through applause

I am 11 and my music teacher has convinced me to sing in a competition

I am 11 and I realize that there is a power in being onstage

I am 12 and choir is my favorite class

I am 12 and learn that sometimes you cannot do anything you set your mind to

I am 12 and I return to writing lyrics because my sixth grade class may be getting split up but if I can sing about it maybe it will make sense

I am 13 and my best friend loves music like me and we will sing karaoke for hours

I am 13 and the darkness threatens to swallow me, but there is a song that knows what I feel

I am 14 and I am singing a song many wouldn't dare attempt to compete with until they're at least two years older than me

I am 14 and I choose to leave choir for a year

I am 14 and realize I can love something without that defining me

I am 15 and know that I cannot live without music

I am 15 and my therapist does not listen when I tell her what I feel and nothing makes sense, but I can still sing and so maybe, maybe there is an end to this

I am 15 and I put together an a capella group with my best friends: there is power in voices that blend together

I am 16 and I have friends who sing Happy Birthday to me in harmony

I am 16 and the songs I sing are desperate attempts to hide the instability I constantly feel, but those songs make me feel alive

I am 16 and find that the things that make me weak in the real world can make me stronger onstage--if I can ever learn to control them

I am 17 and I am determined to make it out of the darkness, even as it attempts to smother my hope

I am 17 and I sing in Carnagie Hall. My mom is there.

I am 17 and I know that my friends may not be real friends but they sing with me and that is enough

I am 17 and I sing as I trek with my friend who is stronger than anyone I know and a woman who maybe gets me. Things might be getting better.

I am 17 and for the first time in years I sing because I love it, not because I need it.

I am 18 and I see one of my best friends for the first time in 2 years at a Christmas choir rehearsal

I am 18 and I think I am in love and I sing about that

I am 18 and I am the girl who sings

I am 18 and I do not sing a solo in my last choir pop show because I want to sing in things that I care about. I am not desperate to be recognized.

I am 18 and I sing a solo in a finale

I am 18 and I say goodbye for now to a voice teacher that taught me to stop apologizing

I am 18 and I fall in love again

I am 18 and I haven't cried over a voice lesson in two months and I think I am finally finding my feet in this world where everyone sings

I am 18 and I cannot stand without pain but I can still sing

I am here--I have made it past the points I thought would break me and come through singing, and I will do it again as many times as I need to.

(Originally Published at allthebestjess.wixsite.com/website on November 27th, 2018)