Cocooning

I'll be honest, I have sat with this blank post on my computer for about five days now. I want to write, but sometimes I find myself paralyzed in the face of actually putting words down and publishing them. Somewhere along the way, over the course of a literal decade, loving writing started walking with being scared of not sounding "right" when it came time to actually sharing the things I have to say. This is not an experience unique to me--I'm pretty sure almost everyone who loves doing something struggles putting themselves out there because, well, what if everyone else doesn't love it? Loving something is so challenging because that love makes you want to be good at it, but "good" is almost always subjective.

This is not a new struggle for me, but it is one I have become increasingly aware of over the last semester, and not just in writing. Most people know this, but my first love is music, closely followed by acting. As someone who is studying acting, you'd think I would have developed a thicker skin, or at least, would have more confidence. Sometimes I do. However, I have posted exactly one (1) video of myself singing this year, and it remains one of the scariest things I've done. In comparison, I have made at least one post a month on this blog. As scared as I am about sharing my writing, when it comes to my actual voice, I am petrified.

I used beat myself up for being so anxious. To be completely honest, I still do at times. One blessing to come out of the trials of the past four months, though, is I think I am finally starting to learn how to be a little more patient with myself. There are days where I am incredibly confident. I treasure those, I continue to work to get to a point where those days outweigh the ones where I am shaking and hesitant, and I am hopeful for the days ahead where I can say that this is a struggle I used to have. Today, however, is not that day yet. It will take time to get to that point. There's nothing wrong with that. Part of growing is the pains of the process, and I do myself a disservice if I act like this period is not happening.

So, right now, things are a little hard. I have a lot I want to share with the world. There are words to be written, songs to be sung, and spotlights to be taken. I have grown in so many ways, and continue to on a daily basis, but I would be lying if I said I come by this growth easily. I got home less than a week ago from a semester that tried me in pretty much every way you can imagine. One day I will write more about that. For now, I am going to let myself breathe. I will still be writing, and hopefully I will still be posting, but the topics may be a little less "intense", if that is the right word. I'm probably going to be a little more ancedotal for a while, focusing more on things that are happening and a little less on the midnight musings of a hopeless romantic. However I am still me, so I am sure those musings will work their way in somehow.

One of my first (or maybe the first) posts on this website dealt with changing the world. In it, I remarked that the only thing I can truly change is myself. I need to allow myself to do that. Most of the things we do to change and grow never make it to the big screen. There are often no declarations on mountain tops, or a ceremonial burnings of what once was--there is often nothing romantic about becoming, unless you choose to spin it that way. Caterpillars do not turn into butterflies by breaking out of their cocoon; they change while nothing could see. There is something to be said for not letting others see the changes until they've been made, because then they won't assume the right to tell you that you were wrong for wanting to grow.

This has all been a very long way of saying that things have changed a lot for me in the past year, but especially in the last four months. Things will continue changing. I hope that I can continue being patient through the trials, and embrace the joys that come. I hope that the people in my life will allow me to change, and will see the ways I have. Coming home was scary, because most of my friends here have no idea who I have been becoming. The problem with living in the same place for practically your entire life is that people stop believing you can surprise them. They've defined who you are in their heads, and it can take a sea parting (sometimes) for them to acknowledge that you are more than what they see. It's not a criticism of them personally, more an observation of humanity. We don't like being proved wrong, especially when it comes to our preconceived ideas of who people are. I am working on getting past my (often false) beliefs about people I "know" and love. I hope others will do the same for me.

There is a lot on the horizon for everyone. Be mindful that the moments your journey crosses with someone else is only a tiny part of who and what they are--we will never know them better than they know themselves. Also, allow yourself to grow. Never keep yourself somewhere that leaves you stagnant. Pains are part of the process. This is not an easy life, but you are stronger than the things that are thrown your way.

Originally published at allthebestjess.wixsite.com/website on April 30th, 2019